A new year is unfolding, like a blossom with petals curled tightly concealing the beauty within...

There's an old saying that goes -"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in.  A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."  Last January I would have been that pessimistic soul, but after experiencing the life lessons I have in this past year, I would like to think I'm more optimistic. 

There is also that good old saying that everyone knows, "Things happen for a reason".  I think I might actually believe that one is true, well these days anyway.  Losing my son was the worse thing that has ever happened to me, and definitely did its toll on my life. And now, after almost a year of grieving, hating the world, and wondering why it happened to me, I have realized a lot of things.  I now believe that John Raidens sole purpose here on earth was to get me back on track.  Me being the stubborn person that I am, took him a year to do it.  But he did it, and I am proud to call him my son! - My life before Raiden was slowly spiraling out of control, for myself and for mine and John's relationship.  John had his own issues he was dealing with, trying to adjust to civilian life after he got back from his deployment in Iraq.  Everything was just making us drift further apart.  And then John Raiden Gauge came into our lives, and at that moment we changed.  We still had our struggles, but our main priority, was to make sure the baby was healthy for arrival.  After Raiden passed away, it brought John and me even closer together. We were each others support system and still are. We have grown as individuals and as a family. Things couldn't get any better.

Before John Raiden came into our lives, I was a lonely soul, looking for what, I don't really know.  I had no purpose in life.  I dropped out of college in 05, so no degree, no job, just a lonely Military housewife that was stuck in a strange place with strange people, a couple thousand miles away from home. So, do things happen for a reason? I believe so. I think John Raiden's reason was to say, "Hey mom, grow the fuck up and get it together."

In the past year my son has helped me, along with the help and support of my husband, find myself, and has helped me be a better person.  I am so grateful  that I have found ME and glad that it's not too late.  In the past I would have never made a New Year Resolution. I would have straight up said "Fuck that shit, fuck goals, who needs them, I'll just wing it like I did the last!"  This year is different. I have a lot of plans, and goals, high expectations. And I plan on, and will achieve every single one of them.  Some of these are long term goals, so it will take me longer to get them underway but they will be done, that is a promise to myself, my son, and my husband!

The New Year has started off great!  John took me out to a nice dinner, where I had a big Margarita with a side floater, and then he took me to The River in Palm Desert, and we watched the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still, and got out just in time to have a romantic walk around the river, and have our first New Year kiss! Last night, we went back to The River had a nice dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, and watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Tomorrow is our 3 year Wedding Anniversary!  John Raidens first Birthday is on the 16th.  John and I are going to get tattoos in Raidens memory, we are going to go with another couple, Leslie and her husband, a friend I met out here who also lost her son, him and Raiden would have been about the same age, his birthday is in January too.  And I start school again, around the 19th, and here's where my resolution comes in.  I plan on actually sticking with school this time.  I plan on getting a degree in Psychology, and eventually I want to get my Doctorate.  After dealing with the struggles of John having PTSD and TBI, this is something that I am passionate about, and want to do with my life.  I plan on getting a job with the Military and help other guys and their families who suffer from Combat Stress related issues. 

I'm ready for a change, and I'm glad I took the steps to do so.  This is the new me, hate it or love it, either way, I still have long term goals to accomplish! With that being said! Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right!!!!!!!

As always, Thanks for tuning in!

The Day in the Life of MaiTai

I don't know, this is sort of random because I haven't really blogged lately so I'm just going to go with it.   Life is alright right now, but it's not great… In fact, it sucks a little bit.  I missed my best friends 23^rd birthday which really sucks badly.  She was having “bestie” withdrawls which doesn't make it any easier, since I'm always there for her. Or am I? Am I even a good Bestie anymore? What the fuck is wrong with me…  I have two of the best friends in the whole world and I feel like I'm failing them both… Was I there for Sherry on her 21^st birthday when she was having issues, really bad issues that I didn't know of until a month later? NO, I wasn't there because she lives in Missouri and I was in California.  Was I there for Samantha on her 23rd birthday when she's all sad. No I was in Missouri instead of California… So how did I get in the wrong places at the wrong time?  It's pretty much just my luck.

 I'm just slowly growing to hate life… Seriously, I can't stand people anymore and the people that I can stand are busy with their own lives or live far away.  I hate this town. Its bullshit… It's full of real bitches and hos! I recently found out that a girl that I don't even know was talking shit on me to one of my friends, saying that she didn't know why my friend hung out with me because I'm a bitch and I start shit…. Um when have I been in any kind of communication with anyone in the past 8 and half months?! I'm sorry I steer clear of that kind of shit. I've got enough shit on my plate.  MY SON FUCKING DIED! Have some common courtesy!  So what if I'm a bitch, get over it.  But I DO NOT start shit… I fucking finish it. But I never start it… It's just because these little fucking bitches will start shit out here, and then I'll confront them about it. I'm sorry I don't let people walk all over me, I actually have a backbone and I guess these little girls don't like that about me, because they can manipulate everyone else so they thought I'd be easy… Sorry to burst your bubble… Everyone back home in Missouri knows this about me, but the people out here are ignorant and just don't get it, I guess they've never met someone like me. Like I give a shit…

Speaking of my precious baby boy… John and I made time to go see him while we were back in Missouri… They finally set his stone… Which is beautiful, they did a really good job on it… And if you haven't seen it, there are pictures of it in his album… I can't believe that in about four months, it will be his one year birthday… And you fucking bet that John and I are going to be celebrating his birthday… We are going to buy him a gift, I'm going to make him a cake and we are going to release some balloons… We are going to make a whole day out of it… So in advance… It's okay to say something to us… We aren't going to shun you for saying something nice about our son… We've been getting that a lot, for example "I was going to say something but I just didn't want to hurt you anymore/bother you about it considering the circumstance". John Raiden is the love of our life and even though he's not here anymore doesn't mean we want to just forget about him all together, or have everyone else forget about him… One thing that really irks me about all of it, is when people act like he never existed and nothing even happened…. Because he did exist and he still does, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be the woman I am today…

On a happier note… John is getting sent to Wounded Warriors Battalion in San Diego. So I'm out of here! Thank fucking god! No looking back! So long bitches!  We are just waiting on word to move… We already have the papers so pretty much one more step… So I'm halfway out the door… The only problem is I wish that they would hurry up… But I've been packing and cleaning to keep my mind off of things…  So pretty much that's a day in the life of MaiTai… What I've been putting up with, what I'm looking forward to, how I feel in general…. Thanks for tuning in….

Oh and P.S. We had a wonderful time in Missouri, and I already miss all of you! Yes you Daneta! Tell that kid that Santa Clause isn't coming to see her because I said so! I had so much fun with Sherry and Matt even though we got pulled over drunk!!! But its okay because we are over 21 and LEGAL! -that was the joke that night.... Chessedi, it was so nice seeing you and hanging out at the bar and drying out with you! ;) And everyone else… God I miss Missouri!! I love you guys! Somebody better come to California soon! Before I go crazy!

Ignorance is Bliss? more like Ignorance=Just fucking Stupid

I have found that the definition of the word bliss doesnt fit this blog at all, for the true definition of it is just this....

bliss

–noun - supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss. ..

*And that, my friends, is why I chose the subject line that I did so carefully....

So here is a story that happend last night, that I’m just not too happy about at all... In fact, I’m beyond pissed, if there is even a beyond after pissed... So follow me here in the oblivion of BITCH-ASSNESS!!!

Get this!!!! This mother fucker comes in at almost 3 in the am and is drunk off his ass, acting all weird like standing at the front door for like five minutes silent before he moves to the bathroom, then he goes upstairs, so John and I decide okay its late, lets go to bed... SO we are laying in bed and we hear him puking!!!!! So we go to open his door and its locked!!! So I pick the fucking lock with a bobbypin and he’s laying on the floor in the dark with puke, not just any kind of puke, GREEN puke, and piss all over the floor and his pants!! SO I’m yelling and screaming telling him to get his ass up... And he ends up going to the downstairs bathroom, our clean clothes and clothes we are still washing, are in there mind you.... And he locks the door in there, and he’s in there for fucking ever... By then, John and I are so pissed beyond repair its not even funny.... So John, no shit, kicks the door down!!!! And what to our wondering eyes should appear??? This motherfucker SHIT HIMSELF!! And was trying to wash his underwear and shirt in the washing machine!!! And then, since John kicked the door down and he was butt ass naked, he tries to cover up with one of our CLEAN towels that we just washed and gets shit alllll over it! So he has shit from head to toe, smeared all over his back... And it stunk so fucking bad!!!!! And when John opened up the washing machine, the water was so brown you couldnt even tell what was in it!!!!! So John made him get out of the house, and to take his sopping wet shirt and underwear out of the washer, and the mother fucker stuck his hand in arm deep shitty water and got his clothes, and gets shitty water all over my house! And then he wouldnt leave so I pretended to call PMO (military police for those of you who arent down with the Corps lingo) and he finally left!!!!!! I was so pissed.. So now my house smells like shit and puke! I’m uberly discusted and just dont understand how someone who is 20 years old doesnt know how to wipe his own ass let alone shit in a fucking toilet, and end up getting his fucking FECES all over him and everything he touches... Just Yuck, plain yuck! Well my house will be spotless by the end of the day or I will kill him... Which I left out that I did threaten his life with a broom if he wouldnt get out of my house... But you know how normal people swing it like a bat, not me, I had it like a spear and I was aiming for his eyeballs... So next time you come to my house people make sure you know how to use the restroom in a proper manner!!!

LOVE YOU ALL! Thanks for tuning in!!

-MaiTai

Does Anyone Know? // The Shopping Trip

Does Anyone Know?

Does anyone know what today should be?

Anyone else or is it only me?

Does anyone know how great today would have been,

If you would have come now, instead of then.

It seems people forget; to them it is just another day.

But for me, I just can’t think of it that way.

My heart aches and I can’t stop the tears.

I keep on wishing that you were still here.

Others just don’t understand why, today, I mourn.

Today is a special day; the day you should have been born

**In honor of my son, John Raiden Gauge

Born sleeping January 16, 2008**

Author Heather Will

The Shopping Trip

Linda Vicory

As I persue the aisles,

of the local store,

I see things more differently,

than I ever have before.

"Daddy’s Little Angel",

the embroidered bibs do read.

But, Daddy’s angel is in Heaven,

and bibs he does not need.

He does not need a bottle,

a dress or a toy.

Of buying those things for him,

we shall never know the joy.

There are tiny jars of baby food,

that he will never eat,

And shiny shoes with buckles,

that will never touch his feet.

As the bikes and trikes taunt me,

from high up on the rack,

Tears will break free from my eyes,

if I dare look back.

I run off to the restroom,

to blow my nose and cry.

I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,

and let out a sigh.

I must go face the paper,

college and wide rule,

That my little angel,

will never use in school.

I hurry past the greeting cards,

that the people chose with care,

And I am reminded,

of the holidays we shall not share.

In the checkout line I bow my head,

and heavy is my heart,

For the family right in front of me,

has a newborn in their cart.

Shopping in the local store,

used to be mundane.

Now every aisle’s full of items,

which remind me of my pain.

So, quick as I can, I give the cashier,

the money from my purse,

And hurry away from those who don’t know my pain,

in this foreignly happy universe.

How am I doing? (RIP John Raiden Gauge, my beautiful baby boy)

Honestly? Pretty fucking shitty… But I guess I just have to live my life… Which personally I don't even want to do that right now… Things have been really difficult and hard for John and I in the past 2 weeks…. Some days seem better than others but at the end of the day it's all the same…. Though, I can say that my husband is a wonderful man, and I love him more now than ever… He has given me strength that I didn't even know I had… And has made me realize that I never want to take him for granted ever again… We have been through a lot of shit together, but this definitely tops all…

It was so hard giving birth to a beautiful baby boy and us looking at him, holding him, touching him, loving him, and knowing we were going to have to give him up… It sucked leaving the hospital empty handed with nothing left but memories… And since then I have been nothing but an emotional wreck, left with only questions of "WHY"… Why did this have to happen? Why me? Why my little boy? Why not someone else's? Why can't I keep my baby? Why does everyone else get to keep theirs? Why was mine taken from me? Why couldn't I have died instead of my little boy? Why couldn't I take his place? And yet, none of my questions can and will never be answered… Sadly to say, I've come to hate the world and everyone in it… Especially pregnant women, and people I see with newborns… Not because I want to, but because it seems like it's my first instinct now… People ask me how I'm doing, and my first thought that runs through my head is "How the fuck do you think I'm doing?! I just lost my son, you fucking dumb ass, go fuck yourself!"  But I smile, and politely say "ohhhh alright I guess" 

....

I gave birth to John Raiden Gauge on Wednesday, January 16, 2008, at 7:37 am… He weighed 4 lbs 8.9 ounces and was 17.5 inches long… His head was 33cm and chest was 32.5cm…  Full term he would have been over 9 lbs…  He was definitely a big baby, and got all the food he ever needed that's for sure!!!  He has his mommy's brown eyes, and his daddy's brown hair…. He's the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on… He looks so much like his mommy, daddy says he's a spitting image… But I personally think he has John's nose but John thinks he has mine… He's the best thing that has ever happened to either one of us… He's ours, we created him, and we love him more than anything in the world, with all of our hearts… Letting him go has been the hardest thing that has happened to either one of us… But he will always be in our hearts, we just wish we had more time with him…

....

You haven't experienced anything until you have experienced losing a child… John and I have gone through the worse thing that any parent has gone through, and it sucks… And if it wasn't for each other, we would have both went crazy already… The love and support from family and friends has been wonderfully overwhelming… You guys are great!! And we love each and every one of you…. Thanks so much for being there for us… It was truly a blessing… And if it wasn't for my mom and real dad flying out last minute, John and I would have been completely lost and not gotten anything done or taken care of… Samantha, I love you so much… You are truly my best friend, and I am so grateful that you came out and stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital! You even stayed by my side through the delivery and everything, which you didn't have to at all, you could have gone outside but you didn't! I love you!  All of you that have sent us messages on here, thanks, we really do appreciate it, even though I haven't written any of you back, I just haven't been up for talk….

John and I are definitely going to try for number two… Hopefully soon but not too soon… We've been talking about it a lot lately… But nothing will ever replace our first son….

My Series of Unfortunate Events...

Well last night was such an eventful night let me tell ya.... It started off boring, sitting at home, watching the hubby play Halo 3, and chatting on myspace with friends, and ended in babysitting three drunken boys...

So, like I said, it was a boring night for the Hill family, just chilling, when we received a phone call from two of Johns friends asking if we wanted to go to the movies.. Of course we say yes, I definetly wanted to get out of the house from being on bed rest for the last couple of weeks... Now I knew they were going to be drinking, because when you get these boys together its a given, which was okay by me, because I'm always down to let my hubby have somewhat of fun, and plus even though I can't drink he always tries to fit me in, so I wont be left out and I can have a good time even though most of the time I'm uncomfortable because of this pregnancy, and his friends do the same because in a wierd round about way they understand.... Well, as soon as the two boys walk through the door they start mixing their drinks... So I automatically knew I was going to be the designated driver... Which is good because I'd rather drive, the way they all drive I swear one day it will put me in early labor! And as soon as the Jager was carried through the door I knew it was going to be a lonnnnng night...

We finally get going on our way and before we even left town they had to stop at the Seven Eleven, I waited in the car as they piddled.. And then finally we were off again.. Now we were only going to Yucca Valley because that was the nearest movie theater and we werent really up for anything fancy in Palm Springs... We didnt even make it to Yucca, when they were yelling for me to stop because they had to go poddy..... And they couldnt wait until we got into town, so I had to pull over on a side road and let them pee... They did their business, got back in the car, and we were once again off to our destination.. HA! We get to yucca and its wayyy too late for the movie now that its 9:20, and they didnt want to go to a movie that was already started... So whats the next plan... "LETS GO TO PALM SPRINGS!!!!" Like little 12 year old boys they are begging to go to Palm Springs because the movies start later there!!! Being the nice person that I am I say okay.. and we head out....  Now they already drank all their hard liquor they had before so before we even leave Yucca I hear the infamous cry out for more liquor "LIQUOR" "LIQUOOORRRRR".. Therefore, I pull into the first liquor store I see and let them out and get their little fix before we head down the hill to good ol' Palm Springs...

Heading down the hill we were having such a good little car ride, singing, okay more like screaming, along to country music, I dont know why but when they get drunk they like to sing country lol... Then we get down in the canyon where I hate driving because, for those of you who dont know, its curvy and windey and well, on a canyon... They start screaming "pass this car!!" "past that car" making me even more nervous but I bare it and finally make it out and turn down the short cut road.... And guess what! "STOP WE HAVE TO PEE!" So I pull over on another side road and let them out to do their business once again... We finally make it into Palm Springs.. And they want to drive through town instead of taking the freeway.. Our destination this time is The River, mind you, that is where the big theater is and shopping centers and nice restaurants are incase you were wondering... On our way, driving through down town Palm Springs, Tyler, is yelling out the window to anyone, and everyone he sees... "Hey wanna go to the Marine Corps ball with me, I need a date!" Of course, people just look at him like he's a weirdo... And then, I hear that infamous cry "LIQUOR!" "LIQUOOOORR!" So I see the first liquor store and go to pull in, there was a car pulling out while we were trying to pull in, and of course, the boys are so unpatient they start yelling out the window.. The guy in the car in front of us gets out of his car, and then David in the back opens his door.... Now I'm not looking for a fight because I'm just not in the mood, I'm pregnant and cranky, so me being the speed demon that I am put the car in gear and spin out and speed off, leaving peices of tire behind... Of course the three drunkards get mad at me but I dont care, I'm the mommy! I pull into the next liquor store and let them get their fix... They take forever in there!! A good 20 minutes I swear.. Obviously it was because they knew I was mad by this time and didnt want to get back in the car with me so they piddled in the liquor store looking at anything and everything to pass their time.... David was the first to get in the car and says "Dont even be mad at me"... So right then and there I knew they were all worried that I was pissed.... When my hubby and the other got in they started sucking up and asking if I was okay and all that crap... I was like yes and we were on our way....

We finally made it to The River!!! I was so relieved.... We were going to make it in time for the movie! So we find a parking spot.. And John has to smoke before we start going, so we are all standing in the parkinglot by the car, when they decide they have to go poddy once again... So they just whip em out right there in the parking lot and start peeing.... Well David missed and peed on someones car and I'm yelling at all of them like an embarrassed mother telling them to come on.... I'm trying to get them all in line, but when I finally got one, or two of their attention, the other one is off doing something drunk that he's not suppose to... Like, Tyler gets on the car hood and curls up in the fetal position and tells us to take a picture.... And of course the other two encourage it....  And like little boys they have to push and shove each other as we walk down the side walk, or in our case, stand there and argue about how big of a pussy Tyler is for not walking up to these girls and asking them to go the the ball with him.... With all this ruccuss we finally make it to the movie theater... GRRR The movie already started because they piddled around like little boys and so we didnt get to see the movie... And by this time I am one pissed off, hungry, pregnant bitch!!!! So they decided they wanted to eat at Applebees.. So I head that way in a big hurry... And of course we have to wait on John because he wants to smoke before we go in... So they are goofing off in the parking lot of Applebees... Peeing, yelling, ya know nothing you havent read above.... And of course I'm like come on.... They might not even be serving food at this time because its so late and I want to eat... But of course.... John and Tyler decide they want to wrestle in the parking lot.... I'm yelling come on, but like that matters.. .Davids being a good little drunk boy, and him and I decide to leave them in the parking lot while we went in and got a table..... They follow because they realized we were leaving....

So we walk in, thank god they are still serving food!!!!! We sit down, Tyler and John all bloody because of their wrestling.... We order, We get our food...... Tyler and David go to sleep and dont even touch their food... So I'm pretty much enjoying my dinner.... John's eating, being a good boy.... Its great.. But the people working all acknowledge we are there and laugh at the two sleeping on the table... How embarrassing, I know, but I didnt care because I got my food and thats all that mattered.... So we get done eating and try to leave but David wont get out of the booth... It took us like ten minutes to get him up and in the car, and in the mean time Tylers puking in Applebees bushes.... Johns drunk, but by this time, he's very helpful to me and realized I needed help getting the other two in the car... We finally got them in the car, and they pass out!!! Thank god!!! So the whole hour car ride home they are asleep!!! John pretty much sobered up by this time and we had a nice little car ride home talking and singing and he tried to stay up as long as he could to keep me company, he's such a good hubby like that :) and we finally made it home... Finally got the other two out of the car and put them down for bed on my couch and went to bed.... ahhh how exhausted I was.... But that is my series of unfortunate events from last night..... I survived!!! Lets just say next time I'm saying NOOOOOOOO lol.. I cant wait til I pop this little guy out and then they all get to take care of me for a change!!! LOL Stupid boys.....

Sleep Deprived

Well ladies and gents I believe I have lived on at least 5 hours of sleep.... ALL WEEK! Yep thats right... I have baggy eyes and the whole works!!! I probably stink too.. no I shouldnt I took a shower... But thats beside the point... I miss John like hell... and theres nothing I can do about it.. I cant even call him just to call him.. I cant call at all... Theres no where to call... So all I do is sit at home and wait for him to call me.... I dont want to go to sleep because I dont want to miss his call... And when I finally say okay I'll go to sleep, I will wake up to receive his call.. I cant sleep because I'm so depressed!!! Its one thing to have a husband thats not home all the time because of his job...But its totally differnt when he's off in another country fighting in a damn war!!! He finally got to call today... It didnt really go so well... He wasnt very happy... Which is very understandable, I mean my poor baby, he doesnt get any sleep and when he does its just for a couple of hours and of course he's gotta be on alert at all times... Its a very stressful job... I totally get why he's in a bad mood.. It just hurts me to see him like that... I think he's ready to come home.. He says he hates it there.. Which who wouldnt! I know damn well I'm ready for him to come home.... But of course its only been a week.. One week and it feels like a damn century has past.... On a brighter note.. He was happy for a little bit... When he told me he bought me a present... And of course spoiled me got it out of him like I always do!!   Its a silver watch!!! With real diamonds in it!! Can you say BLING BLING!!!  Oh how I love my hubby wubby bear!! I definetly wasnt expecting that from him... I mean that was the sweetest thing ever!! He really didnt have to.. But he wanted to.. and that makes me so happy... It makes me forget about my worries and helps just focus on how loving and caring my husband is and how much I love him... But ya know even with a wonderful present like that from my dearest husband.... At the end of the day.... I still go to bed alone..... And thats what hurts so bad... And thats why I cant sleep... Its hard to keep busy when you lying in bed by yourself thinking and worrying about what your husband is doing and wondering if he is okay or not... and dreading the worse....  Johns my one and only, and it is so hard being without him... FUCKING WAR I HATE IT!!!! I'm going to have a mental break down seriously!!! I need to fucking sleep!!