Honestly? Pretty fucking shitty… But I guess I just have to live my
life… Which personally I don't even want to do that right now… Things have been
really difficult and hard for John and I in the past 2 weeks…. Some days seem
better than others but at the end of the day it's all the same…. Though, I
can say that my husband is a wonderful man, and I love him more now than ever…
He has given me strength that I didn't even know I had… And has made me realize
that I never want to take him for granted ever again… We have been through a
lot of shit together, but this definitely tops all…
It was so hard giving birth to a beautiful baby boy and us looking at
him, holding him, touching him, loving him, and knowing we were going to have
to give him up… It sucked leaving the hospital empty handed with nothing left
but memories… And since then I have been nothing but an emotional wreck, left
with only questions of "WHY"… Why did this have to happen? Why me?
Why my little boy? Why not someone else's? Why can't I keep my baby? Why does
everyone else get to keep theirs? Why was mine taken from me? Why couldn't I
have died instead of my little boy? Why couldn't I take his place? And yet,
none of my questions can and will never be answered… Sadly to say, I've come to
hate the world and everyone in it… Especially pregnant women, and people I see
with newborns… Not because I want to, but because it seems like it's my first
instinct now… People ask me how I'm doing, and my first thought that runs
through my head is "How the fuck do you think I'm doing?! I just lost my
son, you fucking dumb ass, go fuck yourself!" But I smile, and
politely say "ohhhh alright I guess"
....
I gave birth to John Raiden Gauge on Wednesday, January 16, 2008, at
7:37 am… He weighed 4 lbs 8.9 ounces and was 17.5 inches long… His head was
33cm and chest was 32.5cm… Full term he would have been over 9 lbs… He
was definitely a big baby, and got all the food he ever needed that's for
sure!!! He has his mommy's brown eyes, and his daddy's brown hair…. He's
the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on… He looks so much like his
mommy, daddy says he's a spitting image… But I personally think he has John's
nose but John thinks he has mine… He's the best thing that has ever happened to
either one of us… He's ours, we created him, and we love him more than anything
in the world, with all of our hearts… Letting him go has been the hardest thing
that has happened to either one of us… But he will always be in our hearts, we
just wish we had more time with him…
....
You haven't experienced anything until you have experienced losing a
child… John and I have gone through the worse thing that any parent has gone
through, and it sucks… And if it wasn't for each other, we would have both went
crazy already… The love and support from family and friends has been
wonderfully overwhelming… You guys are great!! And we love each and every one
of you…. Thanks so much for being there for us… It was truly a blessing… And if
it wasn't for my mom and real dad flying out last minute, John and I would have
been completely lost and not gotten anything done or taken care of… Samantha, I
love you so much… You are truly my best friend, and I am so grateful that you
came out and stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital! You even
stayed by my side through the delivery and everything, which you didn't have to
at all, you could have gone outside but you didn't! I love you! All of
you that have sent us messages on here, thanks, we really do appreciate it,
even though I haven't written any of you back, I just haven't been up for
talk….
John and I are definitely going to try for number two… Hopefully soon
but not too soon… We've been talking about it a lot lately… But nothing will
ever replace our first son….
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