The Day in the Life of MaiTai

I don't know, this is sort of random because I haven't really blogged lately so I'm just going to go with it.   Life is alright right now, but it's not great… In fact, it sucks a little bit.  I missed my best friends 23^rd birthday which really sucks badly.  She was having “bestie” withdrawls which doesn't make it any easier, since I'm always there for her. Or am I? Am I even a good Bestie anymore? What the fuck is wrong with me…  I have two of the best friends in the whole world and I feel like I'm failing them both… Was I there for Sherry on her 21^st birthday when she was having issues, really bad issues that I didn't know of until a month later? NO, I wasn't there because she lives in Missouri and I was in California.  Was I there for Samantha on her 23rd birthday when she's all sad. No I was in Missouri instead of California… So how did I get in the wrong places at the wrong time?  It's pretty much just my luck.

 I'm just slowly growing to hate life… Seriously, I can't stand people anymore and the people that I can stand are busy with their own lives or live far away.  I hate this town. Its bullshit… It's full of real bitches and hos! I recently found out that a girl that I don't even know was talking shit on me to one of my friends, saying that she didn't know why my friend hung out with me because I'm a bitch and I start shit…. Um when have I been in any kind of communication with anyone in the past 8 and half months?! I'm sorry I steer clear of that kind of shit. I've got enough shit on my plate.  MY SON FUCKING DIED! Have some common courtesy!  So what if I'm a bitch, get over it.  But I DO NOT start shit… I fucking finish it. But I never start it… It's just because these little fucking bitches will start shit out here, and then I'll confront them about it. I'm sorry I don't let people walk all over me, I actually have a backbone and I guess these little girls don't like that about me, because they can manipulate everyone else so they thought I'd be easy… Sorry to burst your bubble… Everyone back home in Missouri knows this about me, but the people out here are ignorant and just don't get it, I guess they've never met someone like me. Like I give a shit…

Speaking of my precious baby boy… John and I made time to go see him while we were back in Missouri… They finally set his stone… Which is beautiful, they did a really good job on it… And if you haven't seen it, there are pictures of it in his album… I can't believe that in about four months, it will be his one year birthday… And you fucking bet that John and I are going to be celebrating his birthday… We are going to buy him a gift, I'm going to make him a cake and we are going to release some balloons… We are going to make a whole day out of it… So in advance… It's okay to say something to us… We aren't going to shun you for saying something nice about our son… We've been getting that a lot, for example "I was going to say something but I just didn't want to hurt you anymore/bother you about it considering the circumstance". John Raiden is the love of our life and even though he's not here anymore doesn't mean we want to just forget about him all together, or have everyone else forget about him… One thing that really irks me about all of it, is when people act like he never existed and nothing even happened…. Because he did exist and he still does, and if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be the woman I am today…

On a happier note… John is getting sent to Wounded Warriors Battalion in San Diego. So I'm out of here! Thank fucking god! No looking back! So long bitches!  We are just waiting on word to move… We already have the papers so pretty much one more step… So I'm halfway out the door… The only problem is I wish that they would hurry up… But I've been packing and cleaning to keep my mind off of things…  So pretty much that's a day in the life of MaiTai… What I've been putting up with, what I'm looking forward to, how I feel in general…. Thanks for tuning in….

Oh and P.S. We had a wonderful time in Missouri, and I already miss all of you! Yes you Daneta! Tell that kid that Santa Clause isn't coming to see her because I said so! I had so much fun with Sherry and Matt even though we got pulled over drunk!!! But its okay because we are over 21 and LEGAL! -that was the joke that night.... Chessedi, it was so nice seeing you and hanging out at the bar and drying out with you! ;) And everyone else… God I miss Missouri!! I love you guys! Somebody better come to California soon! Before I go crazy!

Ignorance is Bliss? more like Ignorance=Just fucking Stupid

I have found that the definition of the word bliss doesnt fit this blog at all, for the true definition of it is just this....

bliss

–noun - supreme happiness; utter joy or contentment: wedded bliss. ..

*And that, my friends, is why I chose the subject line that I did so carefully....

So here is a story that happend last night, that I’m just not too happy about at all... In fact, I’m beyond pissed, if there is even a beyond after pissed... So follow me here in the oblivion of BITCH-ASSNESS!!!

Get this!!!! This mother fucker comes in at almost 3 in the am and is drunk off his ass, acting all weird like standing at the front door for like five minutes silent before he moves to the bathroom, then he goes upstairs, so John and I decide okay its late, lets go to bed... SO we are laying in bed and we hear him puking!!!!! So we go to open his door and its locked!!! So I pick the fucking lock with a bobbypin and he’s laying on the floor in the dark with puke, not just any kind of puke, GREEN puke, and piss all over the floor and his pants!! SO I’m yelling and screaming telling him to get his ass up... And he ends up going to the downstairs bathroom, our clean clothes and clothes we are still washing, are in there mind you.... And he locks the door in there, and he’s in there for fucking ever... By then, John and I are so pissed beyond repair its not even funny.... So John, no shit, kicks the door down!!!! And what to our wondering eyes should appear??? This motherfucker SHIT HIMSELF!! And was trying to wash his underwear and shirt in the washing machine!!! And then, since John kicked the door down and he was butt ass naked, he tries to cover up with one of our CLEAN towels that we just washed and gets shit alllll over it! So he has shit from head to toe, smeared all over his back... And it stunk so fucking bad!!!!! And when John opened up the washing machine, the water was so brown you couldnt even tell what was in it!!!!! So John made him get out of the house, and to take his sopping wet shirt and underwear out of the washer, and the mother fucker stuck his hand in arm deep shitty water and got his clothes, and gets shitty water all over my house! And then he wouldnt leave so I pretended to call PMO (military police for those of you who arent down with the Corps lingo) and he finally left!!!!!! I was so pissed.. So now my house smells like shit and puke! I’m uberly discusted and just dont understand how someone who is 20 years old doesnt know how to wipe his own ass let alone shit in a fucking toilet, and end up getting his fucking FECES all over him and everything he touches... Just Yuck, plain yuck! Well my house will be spotless by the end of the day or I will kill him... Which I left out that I did threaten his life with a broom if he wouldnt get out of my house... But you know how normal people swing it like a bat, not me, I had it like a spear and I was aiming for his eyeballs... So next time you come to my house people make sure you know how to use the restroom in a proper manner!!!

LOVE YOU ALL! Thanks for tuning in!!

-MaiTai

Does Anyone Know? // The Shopping Trip

Does Anyone Know?

Does anyone know what today should be?

Anyone else or is it only me?

Does anyone know how great today would have been,

If you would have come now, instead of then.

It seems people forget; to them it is just another day.

But for me, I just can’t think of it that way.

My heart aches and I can’t stop the tears.

I keep on wishing that you were still here.

Others just don’t understand why, today, I mourn.

Today is a special day; the day you should have been born

**In honor of my son, John Raiden Gauge

Born sleeping January 16, 2008**

Author Heather Will

The Shopping Trip

Linda Vicory

As I persue the aisles,

of the local store,

I see things more differently,

than I ever have before.

"Daddy’s Little Angel",

the embroidered bibs do read.

But, Daddy’s angel is in Heaven,

and bibs he does not need.

He does not need a bottle,

a dress or a toy.

Of buying those things for him,

we shall never know the joy.

There are tiny jars of baby food,

that he will never eat,

And shiny shoes with buckles,

that will never touch his feet.

As the bikes and trikes taunt me,

from high up on the rack,

Tears will break free from my eyes,

if I dare look back.

I run off to the restroom,

to blow my nose and cry.

I wipe my eyes, swallow hard,

and let out a sigh.

I must go face the paper,

college and wide rule,

That my little angel,

will never use in school.

I hurry past the greeting cards,

that the people chose with care,

And I am reminded,

of the holidays we shall not share.

In the checkout line I bow my head,

and heavy is my heart,

For the family right in front of me,

has a newborn in their cart.

Shopping in the local store,

used to be mundane.

Now every aisle’s full of items,

which remind me of my pain.

So, quick as I can, I give the cashier,

the money from my purse,

And hurry away from those who don’t know my pain,

in this foreignly happy universe.

How am I doing? (RIP John Raiden Gauge, my beautiful baby boy)

Honestly? Pretty fucking shitty… But I guess I just have to live my life… Which personally I don't even want to do that right now… Things have been really difficult and hard for John and I in the past 2 weeks…. Some days seem better than others but at the end of the day it's all the same…. Though, I can say that my husband is a wonderful man, and I love him more now than ever… He has given me strength that I didn't even know I had… And has made me realize that I never want to take him for granted ever again… We have been through a lot of shit together, but this definitely tops all…

It was so hard giving birth to a beautiful baby boy and us looking at him, holding him, touching him, loving him, and knowing we were going to have to give him up… It sucked leaving the hospital empty handed with nothing left but memories… And since then I have been nothing but an emotional wreck, left with only questions of "WHY"… Why did this have to happen? Why me? Why my little boy? Why not someone else's? Why can't I keep my baby? Why does everyone else get to keep theirs? Why was mine taken from me? Why couldn't I have died instead of my little boy? Why couldn't I take his place? And yet, none of my questions can and will never be answered… Sadly to say, I've come to hate the world and everyone in it… Especially pregnant women, and people I see with newborns… Not because I want to, but because it seems like it's my first instinct now… People ask me how I'm doing, and my first thought that runs through my head is "How the fuck do you think I'm doing?! I just lost my son, you fucking dumb ass, go fuck yourself!"  But I smile, and politely say "ohhhh alright I guess" 

....

I gave birth to John Raiden Gauge on Wednesday, January 16, 2008, at 7:37 am… He weighed 4 lbs 8.9 ounces and was 17.5 inches long… His head was 33cm and chest was 32.5cm…  Full term he would have been over 9 lbs…  He was definitely a big baby, and got all the food he ever needed that's for sure!!!  He has his mommy's brown eyes, and his daddy's brown hair…. He's the most beautiful baby I've ever laid eyes on… He looks so much like his mommy, daddy says he's a spitting image… But I personally think he has John's nose but John thinks he has mine… He's the best thing that has ever happened to either one of us… He's ours, we created him, and we love him more than anything in the world, with all of our hearts… Letting him go has been the hardest thing that has happened to either one of us… But he will always be in our hearts, we just wish we had more time with him…

....

You haven't experienced anything until you have experienced losing a child… John and I have gone through the worse thing that any parent has gone through, and it sucks… And if it wasn't for each other, we would have both went crazy already… The love and support from family and friends has been wonderfully overwhelming… You guys are great!! And we love each and every one of you…. Thanks so much for being there for us… It was truly a blessing… And if it wasn't for my mom and real dad flying out last minute, John and I would have been completely lost and not gotten anything done or taken care of… Samantha, I love you so much… You are truly my best friend, and I am so grateful that you came out and stayed with me the whole time I was in the hospital! You even stayed by my side through the delivery and everything, which you didn't have to at all, you could have gone outside but you didn't! I love you!  All of you that have sent us messages on here, thanks, we really do appreciate it, even though I haven't written any of you back, I just haven't been up for talk….

John and I are definitely going to try for number two… Hopefully soon but not too soon… We've been talking about it a lot lately… But nothing will ever replace our first son….