There's
an old saying that goes -"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the
New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
Last January I would have been that pessimistic soul, but after experiencing
the life lessons I have in this past year, I would like to think I'm more
optimistic.
There
is also that good old saying that everyone knows, "Things happen for a
reason". I think I might actually believe that one is true, well
these days anyway. Losing my son was the worse thing that has ever
happened to me, and definitely did its toll on my life. And now, after
almost a year of grieving, hating the world, and wondering why it happened to
me, I have realized a lot of things. I now believe that John Raidens sole
purpose here on earth was to get me back on track. Me being the stubborn
person that I am, took him a year to do it. But he did it, and I am proud
to call him my son! - My life before Raiden was slowly spiraling out of
control, for myself and for mine and John's relationship. John had his
own issues he was dealing with, trying to adjust to civilian life after he got
back from his deployment in Iraq. Everything was just making us drift
further apart. And then John Raiden Gauge came into our lives, and at
that moment we changed. We still had our struggles, but our main
priority, was to make sure the baby was healthy for arrival. After Raiden
passed away, it brought John and me even closer together. We were each others
support system and still are. We have grown as individuals and as a family.
Things couldn't get any better.
Before
John Raiden came into our lives, I was a lonely soul, looking for what, I don't
really know. I had no purpose in life. I dropped out of college in
05, so no degree, no job, just a lonely Military housewife that was stuck in a
strange place with strange people, a couple thousand miles away from home. So,
do things happen for a reason? I believe so. I think John Raiden's reason was
to say, "Hey mom, grow the fuck up and get it together."
In
the past year my son has helped me, along with the help and support of my
husband, find myself, and has helped me be a better person. I am so
grateful that I have found ME and glad that it's not too late. In
the past I would have never made a New Year Resolution. I would have straight
up said "Fuck that shit, fuck goals, who needs them, I'll just wing it
like I did the last!" This year is different. I have a lot of plans,
and goals, high expectations. And I plan on, and will achieve every single one
of them. Some of these are long term goals, so it will take me longer to
get them underway but they will be done, that is a promise to myself, my son,
and my husband!
The
New Year has started off great! John took me out to a nice dinner, where
I had a big Margarita with a side floater, and then he took me to The River in
Palm Desert, and we watched the movie The Day the Earth Stood Still, and got
out just in time to have a romantic walk around the river, and have our first
New Year kiss! Last night, we went back to The River had a nice dinner at the
Cheesecake Factory, and watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Tomorrow
is our 3 year Wedding Anniversary! John Raidens first Birthday is on the
16th. John and I are going to get tattoos in Raidens memory, we are going
to go with another couple, Leslie and her husband, a friend I met out here who
also lost her son, him and Raiden would have been about the same age, his
birthday is in January too. And I start school again, around the 19th,
and here's where my resolution comes in. I plan on actually sticking with
school this time. I plan on getting a degree in Psychology, and
eventually I want to get my Doctorate. After dealing with the struggles
of John having PTSD and TBI, this is something that I am passionate about, and
want to do with my life. I plan on getting a job with the Military and
help other guys and their families who suffer from Combat Stress related
issues.
I'm
ready for a change, and I'm glad I took the steps to do so. This is the
new me, hate it or love it, either way, I still have long term goals to
accomplish! With that being said! Cheers to a new year and another chance for
us to get it right!!!!!!!
As
always, Thanks for tuning in!
